9/1 Dislike all day don’t give a fuck

What do you get when you give autistic twelve year-olds internet access? The “Metal Militia.” No, really. These kids who reject mainstream pop for mainstream metal have this brilliant plan to dislike every Justin Bieber video and leave a negative comment today. This is what baffles me. What do they think they’ll accomplish by disliking something clearly not intended for their demographic?  I doubted they would even leave a mark….then I looked at the Justin Bieber videos. In two minutes, there were 505 new comments since I clicked on the link, I shit you not. They even managed to get the dislike bar higher than the like bar. I don’t see why “metalheads” are attacking pop videos when they have a much more relevant target: indie rock. Teen-dream sensations like Justin Bieber have been around since the 50s (though you may argue the differences in quality), but indie is relatively new, and it’s really gaining popularity. Magazines like Rolling Stone, NME, and Spin usually push the metal reviews to the back of the review page in a tiny box, so why aren’t they pissed over that? It seems like ‘hipster’ is becoming the new buzzword among mainstream media sites, even fucking Fox News. Then again, these are people I’ve described  as ‘autistic twelve year-olds with internet access,” so maybe they haven’t gotten to the point in their life when their peers get a fetish for ironic t-shirts and skinny jeans. I guess kids will be kids, and haters gonna hate.

‘Lil Kim

Happy 60th anniversary, Korean War (the last war before the “Love the troops, hate the war” mentality becomes widespread). What better way to celebrate than sue the U.S. for 65 trillion dollars in atrocities committed by the U.S. in the past six years? Thankfully he worlds most prolific lunch-lady/man who looks like an aging stereotypical lesbian, Kim Jong-Il, caught onto this. I find it hard to believe that N. Korea really takes this seriously, but I guess nuclear weapons nursing the poverty-stricken majority does take a lot of funding. This is why I wanted South Korea to win the World Cup (which, incidentally, we can stop pretending to care about). When your neighbor is ruled by a douchebag that looks vaguely like an extremely uglier version of 2009+ Kim Deal, you deserve a little something to boost the public morale, no? Maybe a little bit of Japanese porn could do the trick? If so, Weezer might suddenly tour a lot more in Korea….

stopping natural selection, one dog at a time

AIDS? Cancer? Alternative energy? Ha, what bullshit! Thankfully our top scientists have been redesigning the shape of solidified horse stomach (read: hot dogs) instead of wasting time on such trivial matters. Apparently the diameter of a typical hot-dog is the perfect size to block a child’s esophagus. So everything that can kill children should be redesigned. Obviously.

Are they killing an “American classic”? Fuck if I know, but if they choose the most popular design, “hot dog” will stop being a euphimism for “penis”. Suddenly, 70% of teen comedies become irrelevant. Scandalous.

bp oil spill engulfing the coast…sorry

I don’t think anybody would argue that this oil spill is a minor hiccup. Even sketch comedies are getting in on the fun.  The world’s most brilliant scientists are bumping noggins in order to find a solution to our oily woes.  I’ve heard a bunch of different estimates over how much black gold is being spilled a day, but the most recent I can find is 40,000 barrels every day. Anyways, what does the glorious republic of Russia have in mind? NUKE DAT SOMBITCH! Mother Russia prevails again!